Death by lunchmeat
by carby101
Summary: It's halloween. A lot of the people in the ER have secrets to hide. Disturbing secrets, mwa ha ha (um yeah) READ IT!!!!


Authors note: This is some Halloween fun, not intended to be taken seriously. Please R&R. Many thanks to Trekgirl for helping me out. especially with the rhyming.  
  
(The people in the ER are dressed up in costumes and are goofing about. The place is dead, there are almost no patients . Luka walks down the hall, his face is all vamped up and he is wearing his evil vamp outfit *Lotsa leather*)  
  
Luka: Tonight is the night. Tonight I will make this all mine, mwa ha ha ha!  
  
(evil music plays and suddenly we see a different hallway. Romano is walking down it looking like a flesh eating zombie..... whatever they look like.)  
  
Romano: They'll be sorry, no one around here knows the real me. They will soon though, they'll know (he grabs Jing-mei who is walking down the hallway and starts to eat her flesh, as flesh eating zombies do.) Then they'll all die! Mwa ha ha ha (starts to choke and then someone jumps him from behind and cuts his head off. He falls to he ground and we see Abby standing above him with a sword.)  
  
Abby: They don't call me Abby the Zombie Slayer for nothing ya know.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Credits Roll~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(Dr Weaver is walking around spoiling everyone's fun and telling them to stop mucking around.)  
  
Weaver: Where is Romano? I've been paging him for ages! And Chen where is she? She hasn't come for her shift!  
  
Carter: Lighten up Dr Weaver, There are no patients here anyway.  
  
Weaver: That's no excuse. And where is Abby? I swear people think that they don't have to work just because it's Halloween and there's no one here.  
  
Carter: Well the place is like a morgue.  
  
Susan: Ugh, Carter don't say that it gives me the creeps.  
  
Carter: All I'm saying is that this place is dead.  
  
Susan: Cut it out.  
  
Carter: You scared of Halloween?  
  
Susan: Um, no. (she blushes and runs off to cry outside in the dark. She stumbles upon the dead bodies of Chen and Romano. Romano is headless and Chen is..... skinless.) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (no one comes to see what is wrong so she runs inside.) Carter, there are dead bodies outside!  
  
Carter: Stop trying to scare me.  
  
Susan: No, there really are.  
  
Carter: That is just a sick joke.  
  
(Susan runs off and returns with the body of Chen in one hand and the body of Romano in the other.)  
  
Carter: Holy....  
  
Weaver: Everyone stay calm. Carter phone the police. We'll find out who did this.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~commercial break~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(The police are at the ER and are interviewing everyone there. The people there are Kerry, Carter, Susan, Abby, Pratt and Gallant, Luka is mysteriously missing.)  
  
Police dude1: (is interviewing Kerry.) Where were you at the time of the attacks?  
  
Kerry: I was in the lounge.  
  
Police dude1: By yourself?  
  
Kerry: With Pratt. I was yelling at him.  
  
Police dude1: I seee......  
  
Police girl: (is interviewing Carter) So where were you at the time of the attacks.  
  
Carter: In the men's room  
  
Police girl : Yeah baby! I mean, I seee..........  
  
(Susan, Pratt and Gallant are being interviewed by other Police dudes)  
  
Police dude2: (interviewing Abby) So where you at the time of the attacks?  
  
Abby: I was, um, well, I was in the well I was with, um Carter.  
  
Police Dude2: He was in the men's room  
  
Abby: I was, um, I was there with him?  
  
Police dude2: (to Carter) was she in the men's room with you at the time of the attacks?  
  
Carter: (seeing Abby's look nods) yeah.  
  
(Later in the lounge, Carter and Abby are there.)  
  
Carter: Why did I have to lie for you? Where were you?  
  
Abby: I, I kinda killed Romano.  
  
Carter: How can you kinda kill someone?  
  
Abby: Well technically he was already dead.  
  
Carter: Huh?  
  
Abby: I've got to tell you something. I'm not a normal person. I'm, i'm a zombie slayer.  
  
Carter: Ha ha, funny, joke's over.  
  
Abby: No, I'm serious. I kill zombies. Romano was a zombie, of the flesh eating kind. He killed Chen so I had to kill him.  
  
Carter: Romano, a zombie? When did you find out?  
  
Abby: A while ago, I was only going to um, dispose of him if he actually hurt anyone.  
  
Carter: So, I can't tell any one?  
  
Abby: Nope. Well my observer (note interesting form of watcher) says I can't tell anyone.  
  
Carter: Who's your, um observer?  
  
Abby: Benton  
  
Carter: Benton?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~#Commercial Break~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(still in the lounge)  
  
Carter: Benton?  
  
Abby: Yes, Benton. he's not just a surgeon.  
  
(they are interrupted when Luka walks in, he is all vampy)  
  
Carter: Nice to see that you've got into the Halloween mood. Nice costume! Where did you buy it?  
  
Luka: Oh, it's not a costume.  
  
Carter: Eeeeek! (looks to Abby) do something!  
  
Abby: I can't! He's a vampire, not a zombie.  
  
Carter: So?  
  
Abby: I don't kill vampires, only zombies.  
  
Carter: Vampire, zombie, kinda the same thing. They're both dead.  
  
Abby: Sorry Carter I can't. I'll have to get in an expert. (runs out of the lounge and away from Luka and drags Carter with her. She goes straight to the phone and dials a number.)  
  
Carter: Who are you calling?  
  
Abby: The vampire slayer.  
  
Carter: Who's that?  
  
Abby: A girl called Juffy, she lives in Nunnydale on the Bellmouth. (getit? Okay, really bad joke, I know.)  
  
Carter: Nunnydale?  
  
Abby: A long time ago it got taken over by evil nuns.  
  
Carter: Right.  
  
Abby: (on the phone) Hi. Is that Juffy? Hey, we have a vampire problem. It's Abby. You have to get here, no I can't kill it, I only kill Zombies. NO THEY'RE NOT THE SAME AS VAMPIRES! WHY IS EVRYONE ALWAYS ASSUMING THAT? SO WHAT IF YOU KILL ALL SORTS OF DEMONS AS WELL AS VAMPIRES? I CAN'T SO GET YOUR ASS HERE!WHAT?!?!?!!?(lowers voice because she realises that she is shouting) who? You can't tell me? And you're sure she can do it?? Okay thank you. (hangs up)  
  
Carter: Well?  
  
Abby: She says that there's another slayer in the ER who can kill the vampire. She says that the slayer works here. And that she's on shift, right now.  
  
Carter: But who is it?  
  
Abby: I don't know...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Commercial Break~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(is sitting alone in Curtain 1, talking to herself. Pondering.)  
  
Abby: Well the slayer has to be female. The only females on shift apart from myself are Susan and Weaver. But who is it? ( is interrupted by terrified scream. She runs to see what it is and sees Susan in trauma room 1 falling to the ground.)  
  
Susan: He bit me! (holding hand to neck.) That jerk bit me.  
  
Abby: Which Jerk?  
  
Susan: Luka. He bit my neck! Ow! And his face! What the hell is he?  
  
Abby: Okay, lie down. (yells) Carter!! (Carter comes running ) Luka bit Susan! (he gasps)  
  
(later on Abby walks into a random room where Kerry is sitting alone)  
  
Abby: I know Kerry. You're a slayer.  
  
Kerry: You know?  
  
Abby: Yes. I'm a zombie slayer.  
  
Kerry: (breaks down into tears) oh god! The secret is out. Everyone will know that I'm , i'm a bacteria slayer. (cries)  
  
Abby: A bacteria slayer? A bacteria slayer? But, Juffy said that you could kill vampires! We're doomed!  
  
Kerry: I can kill vampires. I inject them with penicillin , which kills all the nasty bacteria that they are made up of. Then they die.  
  
Abby: The tricky part will be getting Luka to let us inject penicillin into him  
  
Kerry: Luka's a vampire?!?!?!?  
  
Abby: Surprised?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~commercial break~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(later on Abby and Kerry are looking al around the ER for some penicillin. Luka has hidden it all)  
  
Abby: There's no penicillin!  
  
Kerry: Don't panic.  
  
Abby: What do you mean don't panic, there is no penicillin. We're doomed!  
  
Kerry: Will you please stop saying that?  
  
Abby: Sorry Kerry the bacteria slayer, I'm quaking in my boots. At least I slay something useful.  
  
Kerry: Have you ever heard of food poisoning? Salmonella? Bacteria kills a lot of people (so keep your work surfaces clean. Kerry does the anti- bacteria dance.)  
  
Abby: Would you please stop that! (they enter the lounge and when they are inside Luka jumps out from behind a ........ locker and corners them next to the fridge)  
  
Luka: Your evil plan to de-bacterialize me has failed. I hid all of the penicillin. (Kerry opens the freezer and grabs some mouldy sandwiches and hides them behind her back.)  
  
Abby: You evil fiend! (Kerry throws the mouldy sandwiches at Luka's face and he writhes in agony and dies.)  
  
Kerry: Once again the world has been saved.  
  
Abby: By the bacteria slayer, whose hair is waved (you try find something better to rhyme with saved!)  
  
Kerry: Bacteria kills everyday,  
  
Abby: So clean your work sufaces, you hear me say.  
  
Kerry: Forget the strange thing you have seen.  
  
Kerry and Abby : And have a Happy Halloween!  
  
(the entire cast, including a very headless Romano and a skinless Chen come into the lounge and do the maypole dance around Luka's dead body. The screen fades to black)  
  
THE END 


End file.
